Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The GUS Guide on How NOT to Pick up Girls in Boracay
(Conclusion, Boracay series)
Okay, okay. Right off the bat, let me make the disclaimer that i'm writing this post NOT from personal experience.
I'm surly and anti-social most of the time, and can't flirt even if my life depended on it, so i'm just as likely to pick up girls as Santa Claus is to undergo the Atkins diet.
But while lounging around on my beach chair in the afternoons with my book in hand, i've had many opportunities to observe my fellow beach-goers. And one thing i noticed are the guys who seem intent to meet girls and hopefully 'score' with them at some point.
Below is a by-no-means-complete list of tactics that betray the bumbling amateur at the pick-up game. If you have done most or all of the following, then you are officially afflicted with the incurable disease called "LOSERITIS"!!!
1. Stare at winsome girls, with a wolf-like leer on your face, for more than 15 seconds.
1b. Stare and stare at winsome girls, with a wolf-like leer on your face; and approach them to say 'hi', with drool dripping down the side of your lips.
2. Wear skin-tight Speedo swimming trunks, with your 36-inch belly quivering like jello and spilling over the waistband.
2b. While wearing abovementioned skin-tight Speedo swimming trunks with your 36-inch belly quivering like jello, flex muscles and do push-ups and jumping jacks and other assorted calisthenics on the beach, with accompanying grunts, just 10 feet away from the girls of your desires.
2c. Wear this same pair of skin-tight Speedo swimming trunks for 3 consecutive days, doing the same calisthenics and grunting routine every hour each day.
3. When the girl(s) take pity on you and deign to politely listen to your pick-up lines,
a. Brag about how many girls have literally melted at your feet in previous Bora trips.
b. Expound in excruciating detail on how many bottles of beer and/or shots of hard liquor you can drink, with feeling any ill-effects.
c. "Accidentally" drop the condom you have slipped under the much-overworked waistband of your skin-tight Speedo trunks, and give a suggestive wink to the girl.
Yeah right, dude. This ain't the movies. Just take a cold shower and watch NBA on TV in the room. That's all the action you will get.